she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
