Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
