life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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