I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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