Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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