Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
