my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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