tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
