My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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