I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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