So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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