I am in a vortex of obligation.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize