I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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