I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
