my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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