smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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