Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
