Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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