she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
3 2 1 whiskey
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
