apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
