the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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