toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Randomize
