I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
