He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
