she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
