My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
