I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
