I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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