how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
