matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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