i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
