I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
