my mouth tastes like poor choices
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
