is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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