There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
