I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
