what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
