Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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