if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize