I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
