If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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