I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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