just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My vagina just clenched in fear
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
