She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
