I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
