That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
