k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
