If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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