i permit you to call me
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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