I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
