Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
