I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
