My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
