Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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