There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
