you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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