I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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