Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
